Starting Over
by MeredithGreyShepherd12
Summary: Starts 3 months after Derek's fatal car accident. AU- Meredith doesn't leave Seattle
1. Chapter 1

_"It's the nightmares that always seem to become reality"_

"Those must be the papers… the papers you want me to sign to decide what to do with my husband. Now that he's head but not really dead. Do we ship him off to a long—term-care facility and cross our fingers and hope for tails and magic? Or do I pull the plug and behave as any sane doctor would. You want to talk about killing my husband? Give me the papers!"

The words have been seared into my brain since the moment I said them. Derek. Derek Christopher Shepherd, the love my life, the father of my children, the man who saved me in the Elliot Bay and the man who wanted to die when he was 110 years old in my arms. Derek is dead. It's been three months and I still find myself in a fog, a debilitating numbness. I didn't think one's heart could physically hurt, but mine does, all the time, every time I look at Zola and Bailey, every time I ride a Ferry Boat, every time I think of his child inside me. The one he so desperately wanted the morning he died. My heart hurts. Maybe I should've had Derek transferred to Grey-Sloan. I should've called Amy and his sisters before I pulled the plug, they'll blame me forever but it all just happened so fast. One minute Derek's telling me to wait for him and the next I'm standing next to his hospital bed realizing that these doctors didn't get the CT scan that was so obviously indicated. What if I had insisted he not go to DC yet? What if I let him come to work with me that morning so we could have a quickie, he would still be here!"

"Meredith—Meredith! Are you ready?"

I forget where I am for a minute as Dr. Bailey pulls me out of the internal repetitive monologue.

"You've been standing in front of the scrub sink for 15 minutes, are you sure you're ready? Technically it's a neuro procedure, you don't need to be in there."

"Bailey, it's a good case for me to start back on. The first time I scrubbed in on a Baclofen pump replacement was with you my third year. I can do this."

Dr. Bailey looks at me with sad eyes and sighs "Okay, but if you aren't ready, no one will hold it against you."

I don't say anything back. I just pull the ferry boat scrub cap over my hair and breathe. Thank goodness I'm wearing a mask so no one can see my lip quivering.

A Baclofen pump is used as a last resort for chronic pain. When no oral medication has worked, the pump can truly give people a second chance at life. Unfortunately, no amount of antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds in the world can take a way my pain. I survived near-drowning, a crazed gunman, a c-section in the dark, and even a plane crash but I can't get through this.

When he proposed to me in the elevator Derek had said, "when there's a crisis you don't freeze, you move forward. You get us all to move forward because you've seen worse. You've survived worse, and you know we'll survive too. But here I am barely making it through. The surgery went fine. Perfect in fact, until the anesthesiologist tried to wake up the patient. He wouldn't wake up. My heart starting racing, the panic attack was coming and all I could do was run, run out of the OR through the atrium, and out the front doors where I collapsed in the sun. The last noise I heard was the chief calling my name before I blacked out and my head hit the concrete.


	2. Chapter 2

When I came to moments later Richard was standing over me. It was humiliating. I had been so anxious about the surgery this morning I had forgotten to eat.

"Meredith! Meredith you're okay I'm here" he said. I quickly scrambled to my feet. "I'm fine, I'm fine, really I just want to go home".

Dr. Webber looked at me with concern but reluctantly agreed, "You hit your head extremely hard, if you get a really bad headache or double vision call me".

Without even thinking I answered, "I know the symptoms a head injury I'm married to a neurosurgeon…was…married to a neurosurgeon". Before Richard can say anything else I run to my car and head home.

When I walk in the door Zola is playing candy land with the babysitter and Bailey is sleeping. "Mommy!" Zola squeals, she knows I'm not supposed to be home until dark. "Hey sweetie", I say and gather her into my arms, "I missed you today and thought we could have a tea party!" "Yay!" she yells, nearly rupturing my ear drum. Bailey stirs but thankfully he doesn't wake up. I pay the babysitter and she leaves without questioning why I'm home so early. Something I'm thankful for. "Zola, why don't you go get your princess dress on and I'll make the tea!" She happily runs to her room and I walk into the pantry to grab tea and pause for a minute, breathing in the smell of the coffee Derek always drank.

When I turned around Zola was already sitting at the table with her favorite stuffed animal—the lion Derek had got her after we saw the one that got out that crazy day last year. "Mommy, made Daddy some tea, too. I'm sure angels get thirsty in heaven".

This was the first time Zola had talked about angels. "Who told you about angels?" I asked her. We had talked about Derek being in heaven but I had never mentioned angels specifically. "Aunt Callie said that when someone special dies, they become an angel with beautiful wings and gold halos. She said they keep us safe." "That's right Zozo" I said, "Daddy is an angel, he's in heaven with Uncle Mark and Aunt Lexie and they're watching over you, Bailey, and Sofia". I smiled thankful that my Grey-Sloan family was looking out for Zola and Bailey. I know they'll be looking out for me and this little baby as well.

After the tea party I put Zola and Bailey to bed and walked into my room. I hadn't slept in here in a while. The tumor on the wall, the post-it note, it had all been too much. No running, that was Derek's promise that no one would ever run when things got difficult. After Richard left my mother had run, she took me to Boston and I never saw my school friends again. I turned off the light with the shadow box of the post it in my hand and whispered, "I promise Derek, I promise I won't run".


	3. Peppermint

The next morning I woke up with a headache. Not just a headache- but the someone is hitting my head with a sledge hammer worst pain I have ever had headache. I tried to get out of bed but the pain was overwhelming and causing serious vertigo. I fell to my knees hanging on to the comforter for dear life, realizing that Amelia had gone into work already I panicked.

Putting one knee in front of the other I crawled to my door, as I opened it the left side of my body went limp- my knee slipped and I fell onto my nose, blood was gushing everywhere. "Zola! Zola I need help!" I yelled and Zola came running to my side, Zola honey, I need you to call Uncle Alex, I'm not feeling well." Zola looked frightened and stumbled over her speech, "Mommy, why are you talking so funny?"

It took a few seconds before it hit me. _My voice is slurred and my left side is limp. I'm having a stroke. I'm having a stroke and I'm going to die here. My daughter is going to watch me die._ I can barely tell Zola to call 911 before everything fades to black.

"What've you got?" April asked the paramedic, not knowing what was on the other side of the door. "Meredith Grey 40 year old female found unconscious in the hallway of her home, her daughter says her mom was talking funny before she collapsed".

A surge of adrenaline shot through April's body as she pulled Zola into her arms, "It's okay Zola, you're mom's gonna be okay", "GET A TRAUMA ROOM READY AND PAGE THE CHIEF!" she yelled rushing the gurney through the doors. Just as they got me into the trauma bay my heart stopped beating.

When I wake up I hear Derek's voice, "Hey" he says, eyes twinkling, "I missed you". "I missed you, too" I say as he pulls me into a kiss. Oh how I missed this. His lips taste like peppermint, they always taste like peppermint. I close my eyes and breathe him in, his arms holding me both strong and gentle. I pull back for a moment gazing into his eyes, "I'm, pregnant- we're pregnant" "I know" he says smiling, "it's a girl". "My eyes swell with tears as I place my hand on my belly, "I thought you were gone, they said you were dead, we buried you, how are you here?" I was so wrapped up in seeing Derek again that I don't realize how empty the hallways of the hospital are and how there seems to be a strange glow coming from the sky—I can't see the celling. It suddenly hits me, I've been here before, after I drowned in the Elliot Bay.

"Give her another round of epi!" Owen orders, placing the paddles on my chest. He charges them once, but the electrical current doesn't catch. "Come on Meredith" he pleads hoping that maybe I can hear him.

A tear falls trailing down my cheek, Derek wipes it away with his thumb. "I'm not ready to go back yet" I whisper placing my head on his chest, his heart is beating so strong in his chest. "I know" he replies holding me tight. "I never wanted to leave you. A small sob escapes my lips as he pulls me tighter, "I know you're scared, but I'm here, you can do this. Our children will grow up and be extraordinary, because they have you. I could not have asked for a better life, and a better person to share it with." "I love you" I say giving him one last kiss, our arms embracing as if they would never let go. Tearfully I let go and run towards the light, feeling for the first time in months that we would all be okay.


End file.
